Shahrukh Khan was in the headlines taking over the front pages of India’s newspapers due to the US immigration gaffe. It was so much in the news that even swine flu took a back seat. In this context I began to worry about the plight of lesser mortals like me if I were to be detained.

I disembarked at SFO and made my way to the US Citizens line. My flight was late and my wife having taken time off from work was surely praying my baggage comes out on time.

I waited behind the yellow line until the middle aged lady in front of me gathered her passport and headed towards the baggage. With unusual trepidation I approached the officer and with a weak smile whispered a Hello. He took my passport and looked at my unshaven face, torn jeans and red T shirt form factor.

“How long have you been away?”

“4 feeks”, I stumbled. “Weeks, sorry”.

After 2 minutes of careful examination of every page of my passport he said ” Can you step aside sir?”

My stomach knotted – Damn Shahrukh – he set the precedent. I don’t even have a retinue waiting outside or a famous MP to bail me out. I could call Kicha but he would say “I don’t remember you”, which has become his usual dialogue.

I followed the two 6.2 tall officers feeling smaller than my generally smaller frame.

The room was empty and I was asked to sit on a chair.

I mustered courage to ask “Can I make a phone call….sir?”. The sir came out reluctantly i think and met with no response.

The door closed leaving me empty in limbo land.

Why the hell me a Tamilian Thayir Sadam Iyengar Brahmin been detained. Surely there cannot be a namam toting terrorist.

I remembered Vikram in Anniyan and wondered if it had any relevance. Shucks.

There, I see the officer coming back – Now he must have realized this was a huge mistake.

He opens the door and I blurt out ” Why the hell have you detained me”?

He looks at me and responds ” Are you threatening me?”

Oops. Wrong tone. I cower down and meekily ask him ” Sir, I am sure there has been a mistake, I am not even a muslim”. As soon as I said this I remembered Seinfeld and his line about gay men. ” I am not gay , but not that there is anything wrong with it”!!

The officer looked at me and said “You don’t pray ?”

i remembered skipping avani avittam and the fight with my dad over poonal. I argued that changing poonal made sense only when I was wearing one – else the concept of changing is moot. In this context the question of whether I prayed confused me.

” I am not religious”, I replied.

“Sir, your name has been flagged by our computers”. Do you go under different names?

In the US I am called Sri( short for Srikanth) and Srikanth itself is my middle name and not in the passport. But surely the computer cannot have flagged a Sri as a terrorist suspect?

“I am surprised officer, I am a Hindu Brahmin by birth”. I cringed as I said this and I was ashamed to point out my caste when I constantly try to distance myself from it but it seemed I needed to clarify my religion to this man who was terribly mistaken about my identity.

The officer must have been surprised by this. He looked at me and said “Do you have the thread”.

Damn it! I stopped wearing my poonal years ago and this seemed like Karma. I felt angry at the Hindu gods for making me go through this for such a trivial sin as not wearing my poonal.

I sheepishly replied ” I am not a practicing Hindu Brahmin, Sir”.

I must have sounded like my cousin who did his CA and is now writing C++ code and when asked always says I am not a practicing CA.

“Where are you from?”

“Chennai, Sir”. The Sir was coming on more strongly now, I must have involuntarily realized that sucking up may help.

“You don’t look South Indian.”

“No officer, I am a US citizen”, I replied, unrelated to his query. I was stumped and desperate to get out of this. I was clueless as to why I was flagged. Do I look like Shahrukh – no absolutely not.

“All right Mr. Khan”, you will have to wait for some more time said the officer.

I woke up. “I am not Khan, You have the wrong person officer”

He looked at me and said “Yes you are. Khan, Desi Khan”

I woke up for the second time to the gentle tap of the stewardess. “Sir are you alright”?